Why would you do such a thing
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die…
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘ As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘ Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up to his knees. Furiously, she shouts: ‚This is impossible! Your reign was a dictatorship, you influenced world politics and economics to your benefit and you’ve achieved all that only by telling lies. How is it possible you‘re only knee-deep in this swamp?‘ Calmly, Putin answers: ‚Hush! I‘m standing on top of Donald and he hasn‘t noticed yet.‘ Edit 1: Fixed a typo Edit 2: Thanks for the silver, kind stranger! Also, hi r/awardspeechedits
Do you know why Jesus loves Donuts?
Because theyre not self-centered.
You can make jokes about anything, just not illegals
That's Crossing the Border
Inside the mind of an HR representative: You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside the mind of an HR representative:
You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Today is a day to celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I was interviewing for a job and they asked if I would be alright with travelling –
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.
An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off. Soon enough, he got hungry. "Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis. The man to his right said he would like a Coke. "Of course." said the Indian. "After all, Indians and Pakistanis are Brothers!" When the Indian went to get the coke, the man who asked for the Coke spit in one of his shoes. Once the Indian came back, the guy to his left asked him for another Coke. He happily obliged. While he was gone, the man spit in his other shoe. Soon enough, the Indian returned, with the Coke, of course. After everyone had settled down, and the Pakistanis had had half their Cokes, the Indian put his legs in his shoes and sighed. "How long will we keep doing this, brothers? Spitting in each others shoes, pissing in each others Cokes?"
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"