WHY?!??!
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtedly the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~-leaves-
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today..
First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.
If you bought a DeLorean…
Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
I saw a red pimple and a green pimple holding hands.
I guess oppozits attract
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.
My Computer is a lot like a Chargers game
They both only have two fans
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe, then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly, as well. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman, again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly, again. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe….
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”
To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.
In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette!
I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!!
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
My 5 yr old girl told her first dad joke today: “Dad look what happened to my tooth!” Smiles and has a disgusting mouthfull of crunched up nachos.
"It's chipped!" Tears of pride and joy
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
What’s the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife” First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?” Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over