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What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
What is it called when your parachute doesnβt open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
A Catholic daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!"
DEEPFIRED: Australian PM Scott Morrison known as Scomo caught taking another break
https://ift.tt/2ZJgQaV
βWill you marry me?β Is a marriage proposal.
βWill, You, Mary, Meβ is a foursome proposal.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
The other day a friend of mine told me a really bad gravity joke.
I still fell for it though
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
The average person is really mean
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Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
Did you hear about the new type of broom?
It's sweeping the nation
My wife always takes a run right after we have sex
Some people… You give them an inch and they take a mile