Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market
I should have bought asparagus
The dentist shit himself, though.
Cuz they like can’t even
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
Marry, Marry, Marry
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
His name is Carson.
WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
He said I have to start paying in advance
A guy is talking to a girl : "Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place" "Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?" "No, I'm a dentist."
She wouldn’t get her nose out of my business. I was nuts over her though
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
Does that make them shotgun snails?
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.
The result speaks for itself.
Pun in, ten dead.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
I want to make sure they're still OK
A small medium at large
No it doesn't
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I said, “I would have loved to have a brother or a sister.” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”
Thanks for nothing.
I'm open to suggestion.
In case they need to draw blood
And if you ask me, it’s about time.