Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
A pigment of your imagination.
She came to her senses!
But you didn't like it.
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
I can still drink from the bottle.
Its not hard
That spoke volumes.
I said "Yes. No. Yes. No."
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
No text found
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
Cause he has little legs!
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh…yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
Your body takes a screenshot
I want to make sure they're still OK
They have jam sessions!
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
I fear the wurst.
That’s a lot to digest.
Luckily I was already up, playing drums.
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
Edit: This post just blew up
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."