Wife asks her husband “Am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably
…the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!"
Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
I just found out Iβm colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Wanna hear a HIPAA joke?
Sorry, I can't tell you.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house – three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again – WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
Donald Trump
[removed]
Itβs easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But itβs harder to deter gents
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, βMaβam, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?β She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard. The cop rubs his chin and thinks for a moment and then says " OK lady, I'll take that bet." He guesses that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. βHowever did you guess that young man?" The old lady says grasping her pearls. "You see ma'am," the cop said snatching up the hundred-dollar bill, "This is Reddit. After I read about you on the third repost, I knew I'd find you soon enough."
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
If you touch an electric fence on purpose…
…does it still count as a shock?
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
Iβll only be making inside jokes.
My dumbass son thinks thereβs the letter F is in the word βwayβ
Thereβs no F in way.
I have a horse named Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Β Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."Β Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"Β Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."Β Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"Β Boy just laughs and keeps walking.Β That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.Β Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.Β Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Β Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."Β Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"Β Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."Β Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"Β Boy just laughs and keeps walking.Β That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.Β Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.Β Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Β Boy says "It's a pussy willow."Β Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
When 3 people have sex, it’s a threesome. When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome.
Now I understand why they call you handsome
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my things and right
What do you call a mermaid that hosts a radio show?
A podcaster.
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?
https://ift.tt/37Fudf5
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.