Wife baad
What would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
Without coins, the US currency would be utter non-cents
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I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
Instead of ‘Happy New Year’ I said ‘good year’ to my wife.
I must be tired.
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.
What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes aparent.
I don’t tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
Windmills are not all that popular.
Despite having a huge fan base.
My friend threw sodium chloride at me!
THAT'S A SALT!
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
Some last names originate from what the family did in the past…
Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons…
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…