WIFE BAD

When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, "I have panes all over."

Can’t say I’m surprised.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."

‪Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?” ‬ ‪Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.” ‬ ‪Mike asks, “How do you know?” ‬ ‪Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”. ‬

50 cent ft. Nickelback

Fuck off, you won't bring it back

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

All the slides were just photos of him.

"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

…that's Hawai'i roll…

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.

They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."

So Sioux me.

I have an uncle, once removed.

"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."

The Living Room! Credit goes to this old man at my job. He's full of em.

The maitre d seats him at a table next to a table of four women, one particularly attractive. The waiter comes to his table and says “Welcome sir would you like to hear our specials?” “Uh, yes,” says the voyeur. “Today we our soup du jour is a white gazpacho with avacodo, chilled almonds, and olive oil. We have an appetizer special of artichokes casino tender artichoke hearts baked with jumbo lump crab meat. Lastly our entree specials are pan roasted moscovy duck breast with a rhubarb relish, vanilla balsamic vinegar reduction and roasted potatoes, and filet mignon au poivre, which pan seared with cracked peppercorns in a cognac cream served with roasted potatoes.” Distracted by the table next to him the voyeur responds “Yeah, I’ll have that.” “Which entree sir?” asks the nonplussed waiter The voyeur replies, “Umm…, the steak.” “How would you like your steak?” The voyeur is staring at the other table. The waiter gruffed “Sir?!” “Oh, uh, rare.” Waiter replies “It comes with salad, what dressing would you like?” spoken in a sort of stern tone.” Voyeur is staring at the other table again, startled by the waiter drops his silverware. Waiter: “Would you like Caesar dressing?” Voyeur awkwardly picking up his fork says and looks at the waiter confused. “See her dressing? Why yes that sounds lovely.”

Their bark 😎

The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded So he sits down with St Peter and says “Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day” Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives “Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules… you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day” The man doesn’t pause before screaming: “Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage… I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!” Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked “Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in” “Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it… but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face” Peter nods… perplexed… “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go… next” This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in” The guy looks at him and goes “Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually

She seemed surprised

They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance

He asks God, "How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve." God doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.

When the big hand touches the little hand.

On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

My boss asked “what companies? “ Gas, water and electricity.

P. Without it they're irate.

Because they have little anty bodies

The Ex Men

I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Teapot.

They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"

When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

My 14 year old daughter got up from the table after eating a bowl of cereal, so I told her to put the milk away. Then we had this exchange: "Before you put that back in the fridge, why don't you plug it into the iPhone charger on the counter first?" "What? What are you talking about?" "Yeah, you gotta charge up that milk. It's only at one percent!" I say it so often now that my kids stopped eating cereal, and have pretty much cut dairy from their diets.