Its a win-win situation
Before the crowbar was invented
Crows had to drink at home
We got to drive the libruls crazy!!!!
A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should know five things…. 1 – The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 – The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3 – I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "Nah…. not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
“Horses are superior” – 1920’s boomers
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
Levels of interpretation… (pharmacists are eccentric)
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Happens to most of us
Man post therapy McDonalds is the best.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
Facebook is a goldmine
I’d like to solve the puzzle. I’m the best as puzzles.
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Lockdown is giving my mum too much time to browse memes
My wife swears the CIA put a listening device in our yard disguised as a tree.
I told her it's just a plant
Move it !!!!
Actually kinda wholesome…?
It’s always like that
How it’s done.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
Brings me back to the good old days with PBP
They are so mad
Yeah, just like that
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
Hits close to home
A picture is worth a thousand words.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
2020 Campaign Slogans
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
Difficult to wrestle with a Boner.
The weird shit my uncle sends me… Translated for your pleasure.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
My grandma rarely posts this kind of stuff, but I mean…
Welcome to our “exclusive” club!
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
How to not be so gay while you program
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right. Edit thanks for the silver u/WindyDizzel
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the “brilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure. On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers. “Daaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears. Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said “Well, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
Is this sub still active?
There hasn’t been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
Risks vs budget
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species. Myneckisaur. This is my first dad joke post 🙂
Debugging for beginners
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Where are you moving to
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now
May you live in interesting times..
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.