Wife bad
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?
Can’t hear a vitamin
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?
Mass confusion.
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
Who can drink two litres of gasoline?
Jerry can.
I got in touch with my inner self today…
…that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I don’t always install solar panels for free…
But this ones on the house
A US senator died and went to heaven.
When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates. Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you get to decide where you want to spend eternity." The senator looks a bit bewildered and says "why can't I just go into heaven?" Peter replies:"sorry rules are rules, where do you want to go first?" The senator replies:"let's get the hard part out of the way first. I'll go to hell to begin with." Peter points to an elevator: "press the button and go all the way down." The senator walks over presses the button and starts heading down. Going down nothing changes everything seems the same as when he got in and when he hits the bottom it opens up to reveal a sandals resort-esque layout. As soon as he walks out a woman clad in a bikini gives him a mojito and he is greeted by three of his old friends. They walk over to a golf course and have a grand time catching up and talking. Then the devil walks up. Except no horns, nor hoofs, but rather a white linen suit. He smiles and starts cracking jokes and the Senator has a blast. At the end of 24 hours he gets back in the elevator and goes back up to the pearly gates. Peter greets him and asks: "how was it?" The Senator responds "amazing!" Peter raises an eyebrow quizzically and then directs him to the entrance of heaven. The Senator goes in and enjoys chilling on cloud furniture relaxing and enjoying himself but he is lonely and it just isn't the same without his friends. So at the end of the 48 hours he goes back to Peter. Peter asks him: "have you made up your mind? The Senator replies: "I have. Never thought I would say this in my entire life, but I would like to go to hell." Peter looks at him aghast. "Are you sure? Because once you make the choice it is irrevocable." The Senator replies "yes i'm sure." Peter again points to the elevator and replies: "May God have mercy on you." The Senator goes and gets into the elevator. This time as it goes down it starts getting warmer to the point where the elevator feels like a furnace. The elevator stops and opens, but this time it’s different. The Senator sees fire and caverns with devils chasing people with pitchforks and everything is well…hell. He walks up to the devil who this time has horns, hoofs, and wings. He says “When I came here the other day it was like a tropical beach resort, now it’s well hell. What happened??” The devil looks at him and says smiling: “well you see the other day we were campaigning, but today you voted.”
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
If you touch an electric fence on purpose…
…does it still count as a shock?
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?
Because Heinzsight is 20/20
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.