WIFE BAD
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
What did Han Solo say to Greedo before they played a game of Horse?
I'll shoot first.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn’t move
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
Two surgeons are in an operating room…
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
I didn’t think my son was stealing from his geometry teacher until I saw his room…
All the sines were there.
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
I have written a book on Penguins
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
My mom had plumbers stop at the house to fix the drain. They made so much noise!
She told em to pipe down.
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
Difference between a good friend and a great friend
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: “Yes.”
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine replied, "Yes, sir!"
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.