Wife bad
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
When a woman is giving birth she is literally kidding.
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If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
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How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
A Texan walks into an Irish bar…
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
Time
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
My wife just got her breast pump going…
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius…. She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
Going into my son’s room is the same as going to Ikea
You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.
I made brownies for the office, some have laxatives, some have weed.
You know, for shits and giggles.
Why is the plane on r/woooosh?
Because it flew over your head.
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"