Wife BAD

Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
Why I’m divorced.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that? His father replied, Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
My wife always screams during sex
But, it’s usually when I walk in
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts.
What do you call a child with a caffeine addiction?
A tea toddler
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Why do Americans go fishing with guns?
Because a group of fish is called a school.
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
This will probably get deleted because it’s not a clean joke, but I wanted to say thanks.
Two weeks ago a dear friend went into the hospital on bed rest with preeclampsia in hopes of keeping her baby in utero a little longer. To keep her cheered, I visited r/cleanjokes every day and sent her jokes throughout the day. She had her little preemie today … only 3 pounds but healthy. My friend told me she really looked forward to the jokes … and I found all of them here. So thank you to all of you who helped keep her cheered while she gave her precious baby more time.
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today!!!
That’s seven years in a row now!!
Why did I get a tattoo of a calculator?
So you can always count on me.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
What do you call a cancer doctor when they’re on call?
An oncologist.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific