Wife bad
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
Seeing six topless women sounds nice…
Dozen tit
Trumpets and Gun
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?""What do you mean strange?""Because you sell only trumpets and guns!""So?""Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?""It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow." Hitler replies with "I don't get it?" Stalin laughs and says "And you never will."
Yes i masturbate fully naked
if you dont like it, go to another starbucks
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
A close friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads “Truth + God = Life”
Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life – God
Someone: “If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19”
My response: "144? That's a gross"
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Apparently nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire….
…but Quasimodo has a hunch.
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Where’d the Van Gogh?
I just traded our luxury bed for a trampoline
My wife hit the roof
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
![Getting too real while teaching Javascript to a student. [VIDEO]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/maxresdefault-4-400x225.jpg)
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
How to follow instructions
An old painter once brought a helper along for the first time ever He said: "Do as I say; exactly as I say. And don't try anything clever" "Now go kick that baseboard over there" he shouted as he pointed "..and see that plug over there? Go ahead and pull it" "and while you're at it, cut the water, put the chisel in my bag of brushes" "put the caps on the sockets, grab me that bucket, run to the van for our lunches" So the helper Thought for a second…got deep in thought….."WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT!!!" the painter exclaimed, all but callin' 'im names. The helper skipped with a bounce He pulled the baseboard, cut the plug, poured water in the bag, held the chisel next to the socket for a second and said "Nope. Not doing that" The painter looked dumbfounded as the helper covered the bucket with caps scratchin' 'is head tryna remember where the lunches were at …the old painter exploded …"WHAT WAS THAT!!!!!" "YOU BETTER FIX THIS AND GET IT RIGHT!!". The helper replied: "Um. My bad" then he put water on the bucket and cut the caps pulled the bag over, like really dragged it over, kicked the brushes and gasped. "Almost forgot", the helper said as the painter started to sweat, bubblin' mad As he started to remember where the lunches were at The old painter panted, "No, no, no" he said as he started to collapse pulled his brushes out and cut his hand on the baseboard on his bag threw the chisel at the helper, but the helper slipped and ducked it, because of the caps he shook the water off and ran to the van. In the meantime, the old painter kicked the bucket; and passed.
When I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson, he looked quizzically at me and said, “But your name is Brian…”
I exclaimed, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson!"
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws
Outlaws are wanted
