Wife bad
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"
I asked my son, “Hey, guess what!?” Hesitatingly, he said, “What?”
I yelled, "Good guess!"
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
Anyone else feel like they’re done for the year :’)
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
My wife left me because I’m too insecure…
No wait, she's back She just went make a cup of coffee..
Maybe the phrase shooting fish in a barrel comes from Americans…
Because fish swim in schools.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do. Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion. A few weeks later.. they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, "I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week." The pastor says, "Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week." The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, "You know what, looking back, maybe I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."
My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.
She’s Claustrophobic
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
Why do reddit users hate facebook?
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
Because a moon rock is a little meteor
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
We’ll, we’ll, we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect.