wife bad
I can explain…
https://ift.tt/39ehIIv
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
We all know the show is called spongebob squarepants
But Patrick is the star
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
A son walks in on his parents having sex NSFW
The parents see the boy and he runs off to his room. The mother puts on her robe and goes into the boys room The boy ask his mother what she was doing. “You know how daddy has a big stomach? Sometimes mummy has to get on top of daddy and flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time” says the boy. The mother confused asks “what do you mean?” “Well when you go to the supermarket the woman next door comes over and blows him back up.”
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
I was going to share a joke about planes.
But I do not think it will take off.
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.
In the end, he came around.
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer