wife bad
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
The Duck Hunter
A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by. After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck. "Hey that's my duck!" says the hunter. The farmer replies, "Well, it fell onto my land, so it's my duck." "Well, I shot it, so it's my duck" says the hunter. The farmer says "How about we settle this country style?" "What's country style?" asks the hunter. "Well, first I kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts. And we keep on kicking each other in the nuts until one of us can't take it no more. Winner gets the duck." The hunter thinks about it for a bit and decides to go for it. So the farmer hauls his leg back and kicks the hunter square in the nuts. The hunter's eye bug out and he falls to the ground writhing in pain and clutching his swelling ballsack. After 10 minutes or so the hunter finally recovers and stands up. "Okay, it's my turn now" says the hunter. And the farmer says, "Nah, keep the duck."
What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?
Ones a heated yam, and the other’s a yeeted ham.
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.
So I said "Sure" She asked "When?" "When I meet the right person"
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.
A guitarist goes to prison
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
4 people having sex is called a foursome
3 people having sex is called a threesome Now I know why they call me handsome.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
There was an explosion at a French cheese factory
De brie everywhere.
I’m looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads “If you lift this 21″ laptop with your dick, it’s yours!”
… The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him. A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works. Fed up and in tears, she goes to the husband and asks, why are you no longer making love to me!? He replies: Honey, I've been training for the washing machine!
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
