WIFE BAD. AUTOFELLATIO GOOD.
Who will take the second shot of this billiards game?
Find out after the break!
My grief counselor died today.
Luckily for me he was so good, I didn't give a shit.
Some people say I’m too vague
But you know how the saying goes.
Where does the neckbeard get his water?
The well, actually.
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
How do you identify the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
I remember exactly where I was when I heard the news that JFK was shot.
7th grade World history class.
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school…
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk “Hi. I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
What kind of tie does a cloud wear?
A Rain Bow tie.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
I was told to post this here.
This here.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I thought my son was straight.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
I tell my secrets to all my herbs, except for thyme.
Because only thyme will tell.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
I’m in a band named “999 megabytes”.
We haven't got a gig yet.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, “You ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
I was watching Jurassic park the other day,
when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.