wife bad bad
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer…” pauses for effect “…I guess I let it go to my head.”
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
Doctor: “Have you been drinking enough fluids lately?”
Me: "That's literally all I drink."
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump have died and face God…
God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?" Bush: "I believe in free trade, a strong America, the nation." God is impressed: "Come to my right." God turns to Obama: "What do you believe in?" Obama: "I believe in democracy, in helping the poor, in world peace." God is very impressed and says, "Sit down to my left." Then he asks Trump, "What do you think?" Trump: "I think you're sitting in my chair."
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
Man: Wait. I can explain everything!
There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world…
They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger…
The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over. There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off. The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man. He searches the list and can’t find the penance for a blowjob. He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy “quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?” The Alter boy says “2 candy bars and a coke.
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
My friend told me the funniest joke about the Gettysburg Address.
It was historical
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest." The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience." The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I sure fuckin' didn't."
Finland has just closed their borders
No one will be crossing the finish line
I used to date a girl who was lactose intolerant.
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!" Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
Why did the Mexican keep a wheel of cheddar in his truck?
In Queso emergencies
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000…
I can’t stand it!
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'