Wife bad friend good.
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
What’s blue and not so heavy?
Light blue
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed
Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.
I don’t mind maths.
But it is graphs where I draw the line.
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you’ll last longer.
So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight" But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go under his car and pretend he's fixing something but actually having a wank. So on his way home he pulls over, crawls under his car, closes his eyes and imagines his wife. Suddenly he hears a voice, "Excuse me sir, what do you think your doing?" In shock he answers," I'm just fixing my car, the gear box was malfunctioning". The man answers " I think the handbrake is as well, your car went down the hill about five minutes ago"
Why do gay people laugh at everything?
Because they cant keep a straight face
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions…
Oh well, hindsight is 1
I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said
"Have to love Easter, baby…."
Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.
The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
So There I Was, Balls Deep in Some Peanut Butter…
When I thought to myself "Man…I'm fucking nuts."
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
The self-cannibal at work got into trouble for making fun of me.
He really put his foot in his mouth.