Wife Bad Hunting Good
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
Youâve heard of Murphyâs law right?
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Coleâs law? Itâs thinly sliced cabbage.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.
You can hide but you cant run
My French teacher sent us this on our French WhatsApp group and I do not know how to reply
https://ift.tt/3ayg8Cs
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldnât just use a sponge.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, âVolume stuck on fullâ
I though, âI canât turn that downâ
Two conspiracy theorists arrive in heaven
God says to them, âI will tell you anything you want to knowâ One of the conspiracy theorists asks, âwho shot JFK?â God responds, âit was Lee Harvey Oswald, acting aloneâ The conspiracy theorists turn to each other, âthis is bigger than we thoughtâ
![[OC] riddled with bugs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/sjs3htmk7ob41-400x446.jpg)
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
Kids don’t know how good they have it
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine
I didn’t know the local railroad workers were good at singing
But I heard they were recently working on a new track
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in the wardrobe?
I said its Narnia business
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
What does Alexander the Great have in common with Winnie the Pooh?
Same middle name.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didnât peel too well
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
The Second-Hand Store.
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
A wife asks her husband, âHoney, if I died, would you remarry?â
âAfter a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.â âIf I died and you remarried,â the wife asks, âwould she live in this house?â âWeâve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. Iâm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.â âIf I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,â the wife asks, âwould she sleep in our bed?â âWell, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. Itâs going to last along time, so I guess she would.â âIf I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?â âOh, no,â the husband replies. "She's left-handed!" Edit: punchline is not is bold anymore
In his grandfather’s overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955
A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90. In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955. In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see that the shoe shop was still in business and is still at the same location. The man enters the shop and starts talking to the owner. The owner explains that he is, in fact, the grandson of the original owner and has worked in the shop all his life. The man gives the ticket to the shop owner and he heads into the back of the shop just to see if the shoes are still there. After some time he returns from the back of the and exclaims "Amazingly I was able to find the shoes! They will be ready on Monday."
Why did the hipster fall in the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow's got the udder!
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
