Wife bad, neighbor have better wife
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
Dad – Hey, do you want to come over for a movie? I have already invited 17 people.
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.
The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it. The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke. That night the inmates are calling out numbers again followed by great bouts of laughter. Wanting to fit in the man calls out '22'. Everything goes quiet and the man doesn't understand why. The next day he asks his new friend what went wrong, "was 22 not a funny joke?" "22 is one of the best jokes" came the reply. "Why did no one laugh then?" Said the man "It was the way you told it."
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
Thermoelectric generator
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies
I was reading a horror story in braille..
Something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it…
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
6:30 is the best time on the clock..
Hands down.
Today I quit drinking for good
Now I only drink for evil
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
I’m a scientist doing research in bestiality.
Come by if you're interested in any details. I'll be in my lab.
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
