Wife bad, oatmeal good
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
The Chargers suck.
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
…but it was fired.
It was a shitzu
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
She seemed surprised.
It could be a lifesaver.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
It’s a total rip-off!
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
They're all stereo types.
By using remorse code.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
It goes back four seconds.
Well, I'm not going to spread it.
I didn’t realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner
My wife and kids HATED her!
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
I suppose I should have asked why