Wife bad sheep good
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
[Warning]: 18+
19.
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
Don’t be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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A man escapes from prison where he’s been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife: "Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed your neck, he probably hasn't seen a woman in years, if he wants sex give to him, don't resist, don't complain, just go with it no matter how sick It makes you. He's probably dangerous, if he gets mad he will most likely kill us. Honey, I love you, be strong. To which the wife responds: "Oooh, honey, no? He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He said you looked very cute and asked if we had any vasoline. I told him yeah in the restroom. Give him what he wants, honey be strong i love you too."
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
What do orcs want above anything else?
More doors.
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
I believe the Avengers 4 title will be Avengers: Blindness
Because they lost their Vision
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick…
They’re like “ooh I want to see it” But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
Why do they call it possession of marijuana?
They should call it joint custody
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
Who Did Princess Leia’s Hair? (My daughter’s joke)
Darth Braider (I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
Yesterday I went
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Why did the chicken use the crosswalk?
Because it was safer. (Credit to I-80 sign)
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it! "Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish! "I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said. And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him! "I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said. And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head. Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better. "I wish for a meatier shower!"
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
“Sorry, we’re clothed.”