Wife bad takes time to get ready
Just thought you people might enjoy my Halloween costume last year more than my friends did
https://ift.tt/3bzwcUG
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
What did the deaf person think when he won the auction?
I’ve won, but at what cost?
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
I’d be a terrible NASCAR driver
because I'm always right.
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
What do you call 100 rabbits in a line running backwards?
A receding hair line.
What’s the difference between outlaws and in-laws ?
Outlaws are wanted.
My wife is really annoyed at my sense of direction.
So i packed up my things and right
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted.
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
My wife just said, “It’s over”, and started walking out on me —-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
Why was the soldier pinned down?
He was under a tack
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
What do you call a paralysed gay man?
A tomato, because most people will look at him and see a vegetable, but he's really a fruit.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!