Wife bad thief good
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now." One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’ Grandpa said, ‘that is another secret, my wife use to follow me behind checking whether I go for 5 kms or sit in a park!!!
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
Soon just got me without this one: “Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?”
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.
”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Bold to assume
to assume
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
My son asked if I could tell him what a solar eclipse is
I said “No sun”
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture…
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
No text found
If three is company;
Four is an unpaid intern.
2 christians were stranded in a desert.
The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty. In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where. John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to change their names to islamic ones so that the Imam would agree to feed them. John: That is pointless and deceiving. We should introduce ourselves with our real names. Jack: No, or else they won't feed us. From now on call me Mohammed. They made their way to the mosque and met the Imam and told him about their despair. The Imam told John: We have a room filled with food and water. As for you Mohammed, have a blessed Ramadan.
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
If you ever think times are tough, just imagine being a pig.
Two out of three little ones have no household.
I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
What did the lawyer wear to his next case?
His Law Suit.
