Wife brought this gem home today
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying
My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?” I replied “Don’t you start too”
I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…
an artificial Swedener
"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
But I called her Bluff.
No text found
Turned on On my lap Virus free
In case she needed to draw blood.
Dad: Stairs don't talk
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
I still have flashbacks!
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
He’s got car owner virus
'Bout tree fellers.
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
It was about time.
He responded, “can’t complain.”
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
My doctor said it's my grains…
They always punch up the fuck line
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
When the punchline is a parent
don't be elfish!
He lost track of thyme…