Wife cook bad
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals donโt exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: โWill you look at that! Iโm getting a fax.โ
Girl: come over
Guy: Iโm coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Cattle Farmers respond to Federal Agents burning marijuana fields next door.
"In these troubled times, the steaks have never been higher."
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasnโt a good Schwimmer.
Why do cows have hooves?
Cuz they lactose.
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
Dyslexics untie!
No text found
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach… NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."