Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one."
Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
What is a pirate’s favorite type of music?
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
So this is how the Gregorian calendar was created.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It’s his altar ego.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
I’m having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come.
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
Did anyone else’s parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.
Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined…
Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
https://ift.tt/2PLChDH
Why can’t a man starve in the desert?
Because of all of the sand which is there.
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Stephen King has a son named Joe
I’m not joking, but he is.