Wife dumb, Husband smart
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
She's definitely plotting something.
They don't have Seoul.
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
I said that makes two of us.
– – – Because it's capsized
I'll hang around here. You go on ahead.
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
Damn boobie traps
No more jokes about the profit.
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
Because the cow's got the udder!
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’ I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids …. they will remember. My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for work I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected. As I walked into my office, my hot boss, sam, said, 'Good morning, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when sam knocked on my door and said, 'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, sam, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two red wines each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, sam said, 'It's such a beautiful day … we don't need to go straight back to work, do we?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner. After arriving at her house, sam turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there …. on the sofa …. naked.
It’s my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes… Why couldn’t the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?
Because he was already stuffed… Sorry, I'll do better next year – definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
It was a play on words.
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
Pop! Also this is my first joke, so sorry if someone has made it before but I haven't seen it yet
Because their horns don’t work.
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres