Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
Want to hear a joke about Construction?
I'm still working on it.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.
I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.
It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
I hate it when people confuse one social media for another
Edit: Thanks for the likes
My dad knew I wanted an Apple Watch…he delivered!
https://i.imgur.com/9IrzGtD.jpg
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
A girlfriend is like a good US president
I’d love to have one
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
No text found
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots
Buhdum tiss
https://ift.tt/2KD8QSE
Provided by my own mother (I left the page in on purpose, I feel like it sells it)
https://ift.tt/2VPRgkJ
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Regardless of price, Velcro is always a rip off
No text found
When you say the word “poop”
your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop. The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2