WIFE HATES HER HUSBAND
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman…
He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are on a train
Door opens and a beautiful young woman sits into their compartment. After a bit, while crossing her legs, the woman accidentally farts. She goes red to the tip of her hair so the Englishman gets up and says: "My apologies, madam, gentlemen, my lunch disagrees with me" After a while, the woman accidentally farts again. The Frenchman shoots up like a rocket and says: "Gentlemen, please excuse me, my lunch disagrees with me". Then the russian gets up and says: "I'm going out for a fag, if that bitch shits herself – it was me".
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish." The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it." So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?" The bird is silent as a stone. "Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?" The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night." As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!" The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
When your project had 300+ bugs, but insted of correcting them you make 300+ workarounds
https://ift.tt/2Q7RSOP
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
A cute girl at work said she’d only go on a date with me on a day that doesn’t end in ‘Y’
I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
Is the Viagra I’ve been sold fake?
As it stands, no.
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
Baler Swift
Baler Swift
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
Are you the enemy of my enemy?
Asking for a friend.
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder”…
Came up with any other phrases. Edit: Thank you for the silver
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)
"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?" "Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years."
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said “Oh, I was just checking my balance”
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.