Wife: honey, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face:
Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
What do houses wear?
Just…. Use something else.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
Money Tricks 101
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
Job requirements these days
She doesn’t look nervous
This is from Japan’s leading news channel.
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
I tried to make a meme
Never be cheap…
My turn to post as in promised
Holy shit joker was right
Your little video games or whatever
It’s the Yule Tide, Carol
Fetch me a switch pa
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
My mom literally just posted this on FB
Inside bad, outside good
I love when they get all hypocritical pretending they care about respect.
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
“…he’ll ask to watch TV. When you let him watch TV, he’ll want to tweet.”
don’t rush me
Not in 2020 though Dove
Starting to get real sick of DNC malarkey
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Like hearing the ocean in a seashell.
When work and personal life collide
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
Low effort meme
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
Poor Astra :/
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
Who’s gonna look out for billionaires?
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
It does put a smile in his face
Let’s bring kid’s toys into it
Someone love me
I saw a group of isis soldiers crying today
It's a crisis
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
I worked at a porn video store in the 90s.
When you meme yourself
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
Me, in the corner just trying to remember the b=a^x formula.
I hate it…
Let’s see your creations
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
the classic languages
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
Does this count?
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
Hey MAGAt’s, your hypocrisy is showing!
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
*tired hopeless noises*