Wife: honey, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face:
Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
What do houses wear?
Address
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
If my son refused to sleep during nap time …
Is he guilty of resisting a rest
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
[OC] Why did the man have a whirring noise in his ears?
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
I saw a group of isis soldiers crying today
It's a crisis
Years ago, I had a job translating pre Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
President Trump was told about the new abortion bill.
Trump in a low whisper to his chief of staff: “I thought I paid that bill already.”
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”
I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Bad joke. Only three stars.
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
