Wife: I haven’t seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
Did you hear about the fugitive’s wife?
She was a runaway bride
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous…
… I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
For people on this sub who are thinking of getting married, consider this carefully before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
Why couldn’t the keyboard sleep?
Because it has 2 shifts.
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
No text found
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
Where do sasquatches live?
Sasquatchewan!
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
A soldier ran up to a nun
A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied: "He went that way." After the Military Police officers ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq." The nun said: "I understand completely." The soldier added: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied: "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls… I don't want to go to Iraq either!
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
Yes it is.