Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man whoโs cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said โAre you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…โ
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water theyโd sneeze all the time.
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian
It was the least I could have done for him.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
I’m an unapologetic Canadian
I'm sorry, I just am
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
You donโt need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Iโm a bald man and Iโm thinking of getting rabbits tattooed on my head.
From a distance they will look like hares.
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
Iโd be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh ๐
My friend send me this at 3am what is this question bruh ๐
A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant…
The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says to the black hole, โAre you sure you donโt want more?โ The black hole replies, โNah, I eat light.โ
There are only two types of people worse than racists
The blacks and the jews
Iโm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
Sheโs single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
Why wouldnโt the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Whatโs the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
A professional limbo player walks into a bar,
He was disqualified
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman…
The kids weren't much to look at!
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
One day a mother and her 5 yr old daughter
Were sitting at a table doing a puzzle. The daughter looks at her mom and says " mommy you have such pretty hair, but why is some of it white?" Smiling the mother tells her " you see honey, whenever you do something that makes me cry. My hair turns a little more grey." Hearing this her daughter's jaw drops and her eyes go wide as she asks " MOMMY WHAT DID YOU DO TO NANNA?"
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.
Iโve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. Thereโs a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza. So I decide to go get some ramen. I know itโs not the best, but it keeps forever and Iโve been perfecting my โauthenticโ ramen recipe. Sure enough, thereโs an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And thereโs literally a whole aisle of shelves thatโs just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive… there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle. This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever. There is no punch line.
Iโm going to join the Navy purely out of spite
Iโm longing to become a Petty Officer.