Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
What do you call a liquified bread drink
Carbo-Hydrate
Did you hear about the hit and run in Nepal?
They found Himalayan in the street!
a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school
he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted” he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive” he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved” he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, “a fool and his money are soon parted” in rage, the teacher got angry and said, “i want to send you to the principals office” he then replied, “ask and you shall receive” at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is tested” much to everyone’s surprise the spanish inquisition arrived
We need to uninstall 2020 and then try reinstalling it
The current version has a nasty virus
Wrong E-mail Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: July 19, 2010 Subject: I've Arrived I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I’d say “I don’t believe in Hell.”
But then I got married.
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? ‘What’s that?’, he asked. ‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’ They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake
Doo Wop singer Dion used to jog on a full tuxedo…
He called it his Run-around suit
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee.
The man take a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the man and says, "But sir, it's fresh ground!"
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
I told my wife I’ll never vaccinate our kids
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf?
A un-aware wolf
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger’s leg…
You could hear them say: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
How do you get your ducks in a row?
Use duck tape, of course!
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
I like to call my weed “the Quran”
Because burning it will get you stoned.
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.