Wife so very bad
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
Because he dodged the draft.
Looks like reindeer!!
They take everything literally
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
She was shellfish.
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
African kids can't charge their phones either.
He needed to cool the crust, so he put it on the mantle.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
Son up to son down.
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
He got a little behind in his work.
Probably why I’m the only child.
A Guy sat next to me on the train and pulled a out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, "If you think she is beautiful, you should see my missus mate. He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's an optician!"
In case they have to draw blood.
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
"Alpaca lunch for you”