Wife talking = bad
I saw a radio the other day on sale for $1. It had a note stuck on it saying, “Volume stuck on full”
I though, “I can’t turn that down”
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
That's Crossing the Border
Their username checks out.
A boy throws his bag out the window. The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?” The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”…
Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?…” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely. “Suuuure…” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief. The next day the man returns. “Your cat lose it’s tail again?” the farmer laughs. “No, sir. My wife needs a cup of milk for baking and I noticed that you have some milkweed back there. May I have some?” The farmer is even more confused this time but plays along. To the farmer’s surprise, the man comes back with a bucket of milk, says “Thank you” and carries on down the road. The very next day the same man pulls up to the farmer: “Excuse me, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have some pussy willows back…” “WAIT A MINUTE!!!” The farmer shouts. “Let me grab my gloves, I’m comin’ with ya.”
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
But you do need one to go skydiving twice
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Because you can’t see in the dark…
I said, “You are just staggering.”
It was hard to grasp.
A no-bell price
She keeps asking how my food is.
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
There, they’re, their.
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
A waist of money.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
He says he can't complain.
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
I was fired immediately.
I’m clean now.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
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Strange way to start a conversation….