Wife = witch
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
I hate when people ask me where i see myself in 1 year
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
![Ant monologue [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/aalofaxxb6b41-400x300.jpg)
I’m deathly afraid of speed bumps,
but I’m slowly getting over it.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
People ask me why I’m so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer
“They just seem really shady.”
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
NSFW While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.
But the judge didn't see it that way.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Did you know Adam and Eve never had a date?
It was actually an apple.
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
![[OC]True Story](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/tskwnb5z7u641-400x255.png)
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
I bought a Christmas tree today.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
