Wife won’t let me do guy stuff!
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George’s hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.
An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room. Inside the room were two chairs. "Now sit down in these chairs," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says we should sit down in these chairs," replied George. So George and Ted sat down in the chairs. The photographer pulled out her camera and pointed it at the birthday brothers. "Now let me focus," she said. "What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to focus," replied George. "Wow!" exclaimed Ted. "Both of us at the same time?"
I’m proud of my son, I never thought he’d go so far
The catapult worked well
So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch
So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?” so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”
Why is mother always right?
Cause dad's left.
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today…
Not everyone of you, of course.
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."
I don’t mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
Where do you keep Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
How do you check if a sniper loves you?
He misses you.
Have you heard about a the constipation movie?
It hasn’t come out yet!
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
The average person has sex 89 times a year.
This is going to be one hell of a week.
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free