It’s soda pressing.
He's a small medium at large
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
Well, three can play that game!
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
have very little in common.
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
A pizza can feed a family of four.
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
I was delighted.
I have grater problems to worry about.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
We're not kidding.
China just got it right off the bat…
So you care about the wall
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
Those damn mooselimbs.
Nothing, they’re free of charge.