Wife’s mother BAD
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday.
Left the brownies in the oven too long.
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
Man:I am done,i am suiciding. Woman:If you are going down throw out the trash
https://ift.tt/3b882iR
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits til you’re twelve to come on your face.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
https://ift.tt/2ZoEPvJ
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!" The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
Children of the quarn.
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
Congratulations are in order
aacgilnnoorsttu
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?
Me: Yes, I’m not kidding you.
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.
But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.
