wifi bad
I just quit my job at the helium factory…
I won't be spoken to in that tone!
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
The Smallest Dick In The World
3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one goes in and comes back "Yeeehaw! I have the smallest arms in the world!". Then the second guy goes in and comes back a few minutes later "YES! I HAVE THE SMALLEST HEAD IN THE WOOOORLD!!!". Last, but not least the 3rd guy goes in and after just one minute he comes back out crying… "Who TF is /u/M3ltd0wn_ ??!".
Because of my dyslexia, sometimes I get lost when I use public transportation.
Oops sorry. Wrong bus.
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I can’t afford anything.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
Why did the spy cross the road?
He didn't. He was never really on your side.
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
![Assault and Pepper [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wyfla1s8f4n41-400x498.png)
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
Title
https://ift.tt/2Or1Fxj
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.
The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."
Last night my wife and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the tv
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!