Will glass coffins be popular some day?
Remains to be seen.
He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note. The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". Completely confused as to why his wife is being so nice, he walks through a spotless house to the kitchen, where a nice breakfast is waiting for him. His son is sitting at the kitchen table, reading a book. The man asks, "son, what the hell happened last night?" "Well dad, you stumbled in at 3 AM, completely drunk, puked in the hallway, and pissed all over the toilet." "Why is mom being so nice?" "Because when she was trying to get you into bed, and mom was trying to take off your pants, you started screaming, BITCH LEAVE ME ALONE I'M MARRIED!"
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
I mean… how low can you get!
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
It’s only the first date.
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
No text found
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Nuts and bolts
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions: First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind…..but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Their careers were in ruins.
That it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
They just seem so pointless to me.
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
…of my ribbon-repair business yesterday…
Just another good thing ruined by a period.
He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder. Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?” The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?” The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?” By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
They only had a pair of trunks!
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. Moral of the story – Pay your bills !!
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
So if you’re a good driver watch out
It was an ether/oar situation.