Window Licker
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Monsters arenβt usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I hope she realises that ‘R’ is constant in the equation but not her boyfriend
https://ift.tt/2tQe5ZT
Two faced
When my daddy first seen me, he said "oh look, he's got my smile". Mom said "That's his backside, turn him over."
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
Normie meme 3
Normie meme 3
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
The first Karen to get covid was….
Impatient zero.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
where have you been for the last 20 years?
What do cars and Scientology have in common?
Cruise control
I don’t get jokes about school shootings
I guess they must be aimed at a younger audience.
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Whatβs a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
I’d tell a Jonestown joke, but
the punchline is too long
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
Mom, dad… I’m gay…
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmesβ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
βWhy, thatβs a lemon tree, my dear Watson.β
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
I want to live my next life backwards
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roaminβ Catholic…
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an EntrΓ©e-preneur
A lawyer is arrested by the cops
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
I would post a joke about Buddhism
But I donβt have enough karma
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
Mississippi.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
TIL I learned to Never buy shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, βBy mistake?β
I shouted, βOh come on! Not you too!β
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much…it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?' Luigi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?' Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, But how do you know that?' He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300Armani leather shoes.. . How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red… He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight…' Luigi gasps, 'Thank God … I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes……….!'.