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A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”
“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch…
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the mainstream
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
The recipe said, “Put the stew in at 180 degrees” , so I did…
Now it's all over the bottom of the oven…
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
What’s the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
Usain bolt can finish a race
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
Got thrown out a Strip club last night for using monopoly money
I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake boobs.
I’m not sure why we don’t classify churches as businesses.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
I just drove my truck into a building!
Good thing I opened the garage door first.
I was sitting in a bar lastnight…
When the bartender yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said back, "CPR? I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed, except this one guy.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”
What is a thousand times better than instagram?
Instakilogram
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
Why is it so hard to find pain killers in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
