Windows

​:((

devopsjokeslinuxprogrammingserversresysadmintechwindows

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?

Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.

An interesting title

An interesting title

https://ift.tt/2VR1Szp

Tomorrow is about 2.8kiloseconds away.

Tomorrow is about 2.8kiloseconds away.

https://ift.tt/2GOUI6x

Ugh

Ugh

In a parallel universe

In a parallel universe

https://ift.tt/3dFkh8i

No, I am not crying!!

No, I am not crying!!

https://ift.tt/2qDHIf8

Yikes, maybe they know something..

Yikes, maybe they know something..

https://ift.tt/2PThXQD

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.

This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"

Hello! My name is Joo Dee!

Hello! My name is Joo Dee!

https://ift.tt/2WYXkHF

Programming in the abyss

Programming in the abyss

https://ift.tt/32CxRDp

Most of us irl

Most of us irl

https://ift.tt/2NIJBjv

What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?

One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.

trump is the best at criticizing trump

trump is the best at criticizing trump

https://ift.tt/2XLTHFW

Sometimes the truth hits hard…

Sometimes the truth hits hard…

https://ift.tt/2XNh8Nt

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of people know this

Kinda the wrong time but…..

Kinda the wrong time but…..

https://ift.tt/2sKdLed

Why do pirates love this subreddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

Found in a magazine I was handed for a school project

Found in a magazine I was handed for a school project

https://ift.tt/2DIZvVi

My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.

Hope it’s not a repost.

Hope it’s not a repost.

[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye. (My first oc please don’t hurt me)

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

Yeah but why

Yeah but why

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?” Nun : "Mother Superior told me." Man : "So, have you ever tried it?" Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor." Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life." Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking." The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.” The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”

Ah, anti virus..

Ah, anti virus..

https://ift.tt/34TJd7W

My wife told me to stop obsessing over a certain footballer.

So I said, "I'm not at your Beckham call."

Will Will Smith Smith? Well..

Will Will Smith Smith? Well..

Tumblr is the worst

Tumblr is the worst

i did this with word and power point

i did this with word and power point

https://ift.tt/2QC97cm

What are Mexican proteins made of?

Amigo acids

Bb

Bb

My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

A Live Stream

A Live Stream

I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix

If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?

Mr. Cool

Mr. Cool

Life of a Programmer!

Life of a Programmer!

https://ift.tt/2HNBjTO

This street sign in Philadelphia

This street sign in Philadelphia

My first job was working at an orange juice factory

..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

What happened to the frogs car when it broke down?

It got toad away.

A casual conversation.

A casual conversation.

https://ift.tt/2Wicd64

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!

Pi is 3 take it or leave it

Pi is 3 take it or leave it

https://ift.tt/38UmkU0

Thank you videogames

Thank you videogames

https://ift.tt/2NVIjSw

Wanna hear a joke about construction?

Wait, I’m still working on it.

This is me

This is me

I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..

…..but I never got the chants.

Why is “o” the loudest vowel?

Because all the other vowels are in audible.

only one thing…

only one thing…

https://ift.tt/2UpICs1

A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

This is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever seen in my LIFE I am LITERALLY DYINGGG 😂😂😂

This is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever seen in my LIFE I am LITERALLY DYINGGG 😂😂😂

You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant

Do you know who else discredited the media?

Do you know who else discredited the media?

https://ift.tt/35aIYGJ

My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.

He’s my cousin, twice [removed].

My apology

My apology

Punny email addresses

Punny email addresses

Is it a rule all portapotties must have a pun

Is it a rule all portapotties must have a pun

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

Adding a New Feature to Production

Adding a New Feature to Production

https://ift.tt/2U7syv1

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.

She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

Found an old meme.

Found an old meme.

https://ift.tt/2W3ETSh

When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,

He's decomposing

Found this on my uncle’s Facebook. Seemed like a perfect fit for this sub

Found this on my uncle’s Facebook. Seemed like a perfect fit for this sub

https://ift.tt/3gyUIbo

Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?

Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?

https://ift.tt/37Fudf5

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?" "Never tell a lie." "I don't lie. Go away." Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. "Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Listen to the people." "I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones." Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. "Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?" "Go see a play."

Saw a comment in a politics thread. Turned it into a shirt

Saw a comment in a politics thread. Turned it into a shirt

https://ift.tt/35sRBLW

Lazy lazy addition

Lazy lazy addition

Rappers

Rappers

That would be hard

That would be hard

https://ift.tt/37L9RAK

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section

My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section

https://ift.tt/2of0OUy

Otherwise

No text found

Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove it was just as good as chicken!

Hindus are so chill

i’ve never had beef with any of them

You gouda be kidding me.

You gouda be kidding me.

Top 5 mortality diseases

Top 5 mortality diseases

https://ift.tt/2TF4TAm

Let’s all agree to this?

Let’s all agree to this?

https://ift.tt/3dNks1E

What do you call a frightening beetle from Afghanistan?

What do you call a frightening beetle from Afghanistan?

What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboom

Who remembers this song

Who remembers this song

This is science right?

This is science right?

https://ift.tt/2SUZvIX

I think I’m beginning to get it….

I think I’m beginning to get it….

https://ift.tt/2PLwzlU

To many catering to Donnie

To many catering to Donnie

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Not the best format but…

Not the best format but…

https://ift.tt/2wTVv4q

Texan pro gun leftist can confirm

Texan pro gun leftist can confirm

https://ift.tt/2vXBidk

In case you missed the eclipse today

In case you missed the eclipse today

meanwhile in the land of the free™ …

meanwhile in the land of the free™ …

https://ift.tt/3bKKUsi

It’s honest work…

It’s honest work…

https://ift.tt/2Gu7iYs

Wife Bad

Wife Bad

https://ift.tt/36vjYJr

The longer you take to see this, the better for you

The longer you take to see this, the better for you

From The New Yorker

From The New Yorker

https://ift.tt/3c4pFkn

In my house, grimacing in disapproval is frowned upon.

In my house, grimacing in disapproval is frowned upon.

The accuracy

The accuracy

https://ift.tt/34tMHxm

Please let this meme die out already

Please let this meme die out already

Think for yourself.

Think for yourself.

https://ift.tt/37sX9rw

Experimental treatments are not for everyone.

Experimental treatments are not for everyone.

You’d have to see it to believe it

You’d have to see it to believe it

“What are we even paying them for?”

“What are we even paying them for?”

https://ift.tt/2N5ANnD

World Never Says Hi Back to Me

World Never Says Hi Back to Me

https://ift.tt/2JLBgIZ

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