Wine drink funny haha
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
The boss with no ears
Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, flustered, “You have no ears.” The boss says, “Get the hell out of here.” The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man pauses, anxious, sweating – finally he says, “You have no ears.” The boss says, even angrier, “Get the hell out of here!” The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, “That you wear contacts.” The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, “No one has ever noticed. How did you know?” The man says, “Well you can’t wear glasses, you have no ears.”
I asked this lady if I could touch her hair
She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run.
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
9 out of 10 dermatologists agree that towels…
…are the leading cause of dry skin.
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
Kids don’t know how good they have it
When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine