WinRAR

https://ift.tt/2RW8f1d

devopsjokeslinuxprogrammingserversresysadmintechwindows

My deaf wife just told me that โ€œwe need to talk.โ€

That was not a good sign.

It was just not needed

It was just not needed

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey.

I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.

Didn't they already have names?

Debugging in:

Debugging in:

https://ift.tt/30NVVlW

Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

*Actual* Trump Derangement Syndrome

*Actual* Trump Derangement Syndrome

https://ift.tt/2No07nP

Ah yes, if it were not for the caption and red circle, I would have never noticed the funny!

Ah yes, if it were not for the caption and red circle, I would have never noticed the funny!

The man in the middle is Stackoverflow ๐Ÿ˜‚

The man in the middle is Stackoverflow ๐Ÿ˜‚

https://ift.tt/3dgSg6B

Before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

Is this irony?

Is this irony?

https://ift.tt/33XOYRS

I canโ€™t find a joke I read here yesterday…

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…

They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!

My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.

I was driving people bananas.

I dared to ask my wife why sheโ€™s buying a giant tub of Whiteout.

Big mistake.

What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.

That idea was immediately shot down

It ain’t much but it’s honest work.

It ain’t much but it’s honest work.

https://ift.tt/2LhzXCu

I’m not too sure how many people need to see this, but I feel like this is a good message for all to see nonetheless

I’m not too sure how many people need to see this, but I feel like this is a good message for all to see nonetheless

https://ift.tt/2UOQbIv

So I work in the oil and gas industry and I just lost my job because of all these wind farms

Needless to say, Iโ€™m not a big fan.

I used to be addicted to soap

But I'm clean now

How a simp doctor treats his patients?

How a simp doctor treats his patients?

This perfect specimen I found wandering around lost on Facebook

This perfect specimen I found wandering around lost on Facebook

https://ift.tt/2tnw4H1

Oh my Gmail!!

Oh my Gmail!!

https://ift.tt/32iByPx

What do you call a knight with no foreskin?

Sir-cumcised

Zero

Zero

https://ift.tt/3ccPOOG

Mario trolled epic style ๐Ÿ˜‚

Mario trolled epic style ๐Ÿ˜‚

Okay buddy

Okay buddy

https://ift.tt/36csmhM

Something went wrong

Something went wrong

https://ift.tt/2QsQC8p

My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.

I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.

Who can drink 10 litres of petrol and not get sick?

Jerry can

The book be like: I too am extraordinarily retarded

The book be like: I too am extraordinarily retarded

https://ift.tt/2sokOtv

Parry this boi

Parry this boi

Stรฆnks๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜Ž

Stรฆnks๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ˜Ž

Why do you sneak around in leather armor?

Because it is made of hide.

snapchat meme pages are just the worst

snapchat meme pages are just the worst

In Venice the pollution has reduced so much that even Louis Vuitton bags are starting to swim again

In Venice the pollution has reduced so much that even Louis Vuitton bags are starting to swim again

https://ift.tt/358Sxpw

Crazy how perfect this works

Crazy how perfect this works

https://ift.tt/2RQQctj

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

Hex

Hex

https://ift.tt/35ZD9L7

We’re currently looking for mods! Want to join us? Just click here!

We’re currently looking for mods! Want to join us? Just click here!

Hunters good gatherer bad

Hunters good gatherer bad

https://ift.tt/2PK4bl1

Stop by the emperorโ€™s new clothing store, The Spring Treason collection here!

Stop by the emperorโ€™s new clothing store, The Spring Treason collection here!

Creative Bottle Openers

Creative Bottle Openers

3redflags imout suspect ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ’ฏ ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ

3redflags imout suspect ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ ๐Ÿ’ฏ ๐Ÿ’ฏ๐Ÿšฉ๐Ÿšฉ

You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water

If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant

CSI Alabama was a failure . . .

. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.

Why did the submarine captain keep a barrel of potatoes in his room?

There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.

Drag racing.

Drag racing.

If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?

The Final Countdown

NEVER

NEVER

https://ift.tt/2pA0x1X

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, โ€˜I hope you donโ€™t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?โ€. โ€˜About 32,โ€™ is the reply.โ€™ โ€˜Nope! Iโ€™m exactly 50,โ€™ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonaldโ€™s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, โ€˜Iโ€™d guess about 29.โ€™ The woman replies with a big smile, โ€˜Nope, Iโ€™m 50.โ€™ Now sheโ€™s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, โ€˜Oh, Iโ€™d say 30.โ€™ Again she proudly responds, โ€˜Iโ€™m 50, but thank you!โ€™ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, โ€˜Lady, Iโ€™m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.โ€™ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, โ€˜What the hell, go ahead.โ€™ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, โ€˜Okay, okay…..How old am I?โ€™ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, โ€˜Madam, you are 50.โ€™ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, โ€˜That was incredible, how could you tell?โ€™ โ€˜I was behind you at McDonaldsโ€™.

It be like that sometimes

It be like that sometimes

Donโ€™t forget the noise-cancelling headphones

Donโ€™t forget the noise-cancelling headphones

https://ift.tt/2UQPyio

Cursed Pokemon

Cursed Pokemon

If a rooster in China climbs to the top of a pagoda…

And the town sorceress Wei observes that last night the stars were aligned with the White Tiger, And she sees the sun rising over Turtle Mountain to the east, And she notices the roof on which the rooster sits is made of Earth, And she feels the cold wind blowing north, chilling the Metal in her bones, And she hears the rumbling of a fiery thunderstorm in the south, And her hungry servant reminds her they have no more chickens–only that one rooster left–and roosters don't lay eggs, so can he buy some rice or must he eat the moldy five-day-old egg roll? Witch Wei willed the egg roll.

What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?

An investi-gator

Odd flex indeed

Odd flex indeed

The politics of looks

The politics of looks

https://ift.tt/2MhWEYx

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?

don't be elfish!

paranormal distrubution

paranormal distrubution

https://ift.tt/344rbPx

My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.

I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.

Does length matter? Short answer: no.

Long answer: yes.

TFW when you convert your skeptical PI to the benefits of your new project

TFW when you convert your skeptical PI to the benefits of your new project

https://ift.tt/3cbxcOK

What do you call a fish with no eye

Fsh

This still haunts my soul.

This still haunts my soul.

https://ift.tt/2NZtXze

the reaction really isnโ€™t needed…

the reaction really isnโ€™t needed…

When your trying to discuss school with your dad.

I'm 19 years old and I major in Biology at SDSU. I was talking to my dad at Easter about an essay I'm writing. It is on the extracellular matrix, basically everything in the space between two or more cells, I thought it was going all right until he started laughing at literally nothing. Me: "Whats so funny?" Him: "I have a joke okay?" Me: "Okay?" Him: "What do prisoners study?" Me: "What?" Him: "Cell Walls." Basically thats my life.

Do as we say, not as we do

Do as we say, not as we do

https://ift.tt/3eBpU8I

It’s the same for every language.

It’s the same for every language.

https://ift.tt/34aPbSv

Ah yes, that was in my English book.

Ah yes, that was in my English book.

https://ift.tt/2MaKAb8

Telling the truth…

Telling the truth…

UNLIMITED POWER

UNLIMITED POWER

https://ift.tt/2SsIuGQ

๐Ÿ”ซ

๐Ÿ”ซ

https://ift.tt/303Qx1d

Youโ€™ve gotta check!

Youโ€™ve gotta check!

funniest shit i’ve ever seen

funniest shit i’ve ever seen

Back in my days we were realy abused by our parents. Not like these damm snowflake kids today who grow up without being abused.

Back in my days we were realy abused by our parents. Not like these damm snowflake kids today who grow up without being abused.

https://ift.tt/37j9ey7

Tech Support Sniper

Tech Support Sniper

https://ift.tt/2QHKt8l

Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”

The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.

My ex wife misses me.

But her aim keeps getting better.

Billionaires and Money

Billionaires and Money

https://ift.tt/34Q0uyu

He was the best

He was the best

https://ift.tt/2SwzLmT

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always ​ Coming ​ From ​ Take ​ Me ​ Down

From MIL’s Facebook

From MIL’s Facebook

https://ift.tt/39oGhl9

Arrggh!

Arrggh!

https://ift.tt/35nTmJs

Socialism for me (and corporate), but not for thee

Socialism for me (and corporate), but not for thee

https://ift.tt/2qDA2da

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Insitting move

Insitting move

My friend David lost his ID.

Now he's just Dav.

“Meme the periodic table” starter pack

“Meme the periodic table” starter pack

https://ift.tt/2Q1hjCG

Well. This sucks

Well. This sucks

Hmm ๐Ÿค”

Hmm ๐Ÿค”

https://ift.tt/2yTdQiW

There were three guys on a plane

The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane. The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane. The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane. The guys land, and theyโ€™re walking around town. They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying โ€œAn apple came down and killed my catโ€ she said They walk some more and see a boy crying He said โ€œa lemon came down and killed my dogโ€ They then came across a kid laughing really hard. He said โ€œI farted and the guy behind me explodedโ€

All together now

All together now

https://ift.tt/2N2mP5O

I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"

Classic

Classic

https://ift.tt/35Nv5wG

Hopefully this hasn’t been posted before

Hopefully this hasn’t been posted before

https://ift.tt/35MuQno

if Trump supporters were intellectually honest

if Trump supporters were intellectually honest

https://ift.tt/2Pp6rwn

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