Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
Incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly,
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
My landlord wanted to talk to me about how high my heating bills are.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.
And I’ll name the other DupliKate.
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me…. I want you to meet someone new.”
“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
A blind woman told me I had a big dick
She was just pulling my leg.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I managed to figure it out.
You can say…. I solved the case.
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
What’s the favorite drink of pornstars?
7 up in cider.
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store…
…so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend. They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reached to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive. At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off – shooting down the hill at a rate of knots. The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind. By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!". The lemon was now chundering up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!". The potato turned to him and said "Easy peasy, lemon's queasy."
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https://ift.tt/32RuVTD
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today…
That's Hawaii roll…
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
What I if told you
You read the title wrong
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, “Its pretty lit.”
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”